Roller Derby – Like Football, Minus the Ball (this is for anybody who thinks everybody in Utah is just the same)

 

I put my car into park in front of the old Food-4-Less building on the outskirts of Spanish Fork, Utah, surprised by how full the parking lot was. Roller Derby posters plastered the automatic doors, featuring scantily clad girls glaring aggressively from the poster board. Oh boy, I thought, $5 in hand, I guess I can always leave early. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was tired of watching movies for my night out. I came looking for something real.

There were only three or four rows of chairs around the track, and I was a little late, so I just sat on the floor by some BYU students. The announcer said something (I never did manage to understand him), and a pack of ten or so girls decked out in fishnet stockings set off on their skates. It was The Zombies v. The Vampires.

 

I could tell that the two girls with the star on their helmet were trying to break through, but besides that, I'm still a little foggy on the rules. There was so much jostling and shoving that nobody was getting up any speed, but then one of the star girls knocked her last blocker out of the way and took off around the track at full speed. The blocker skidded to a stop on her knees just a couple of feet from where I was sitting. All right! That's the kind of real I'm talking about. She jumped up just as the other team's starred player broke out, chasing down her opponent. It's like football, I thought, minus the ball. 

I picked up my brochure, trying to make sense of it. The bout (read game) is comprised of two 30-minute periods. Each period is split into 2 minute jams. There was a whole list of illegal moves: no tripping, no punching, no using your hands or elbows to push, grab, or shove, and no head butting. Basically, this is a girl's fight. You have to be a little creative with your meanness. There was a lot of hip bumping. And when I say hip bumping, I mean 180 pound girls sending other 180 pound girls flying off the track kind of hip bumping.

 

I tried to pay attention. The two starred players had caught back up to the pack of girls. This is where they got fancy because everybody's a little more spread out. I watched one girl get up on her skate brakes (or whatever they're called) and tip-toe her way through the pack at full speed. Pure awesome.

 And then the jam was over. They all skated back to GO and lined up again, trading out quite a few of the players in the process.

At some point, the BYU students whipped out a homemade white banner. Millie Megahurtz, whooooo Millie Megahurtz! Did I mention they all have fake names? My favorite was Princess Filet-ya, but Honey Guns was a close second. (After it was all over, I asked how they pick their names. Whatever fits our personality, she said. Sometimes it's our professions or our interests or our strengths. I nodded, thinking of Lady Hipcracker. I'm pretty sure she was the best blocker out there, mostly thanks to her ample hip-cracking skills.)

Between time outs, trade outs, and a generous half time where players mingle with the crowd – most of whom are probably their family and friends – it was an action packed two hours that I will never forget.

So take a chance on something new and look up your local Roller Derby team here, they play all over the world.

FYI: there was no smoking, alcohol, drugs, or bar fight-like scenes - at least when and where I happened to be, I can't speak for elsewhere. The worst I can say for the Happy Valley Derby Darlins is that they like to play their music loud.

Kids were running around everywhere, somebody was selling raffle tickets for free jewelry, and the concession stand was dirt cheap. The girls of both teams high-fived and hugged each other afterwards, and generally it felt, well, wholesome. Don't tell them I told you that though, they might be embarrassed.